Washington State: Pro-Choice for Everything But Your Marlboro Menthol

Local | 2025/04/08

OLYMPIA, WA - In a cringe display of legislative gymnastics, Washington State lawmakers have decided that your body is absolutely your choice, unless, of course, you’d like to fill it with flavored tobacco. In a move that’s left smokers gasping (partially from shock, partially from the last legal puff of their mango-flavored Swisher), the state is pushing to ban all flavored tobacco products while slapping a $2 tax hike on every pack of cigarettes. Apparently, nothing says “we care about your freedom” quite like pricing your Marlboros like they’re concert tickets.

Proponents claim this is all about protecting the kids, because if there’s anything teens love more than Fortnite and chronic depression, it’s a good pipe full of banana-rum shag. Meanwhile, critics are pointing out the sheer hypocrisy of a government that proudly touts bodily autonomy, reproductive rights, and the freedom to identify as a woodland spirit, but draws the line at bubblegum-flavored chewing tobacco. One frustrated Washingtonian put it best; “So, I can change my gender on my driver’s license, but I can’t buy a grape-flavored cigarillo? Got it.”

Of course, this wouldn’t be Washington without a little historical cosplay. The move feels eerily familiar.. like, say, 1920s Prohibition, where the government also decided to "protect the people" by making booze illegal. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well. Back then, Americans responded with speakeasies, moonshine, and more organized crime than a Scorsese film. Now, we’re headed for "smokeasies," where trench-coated teens will whisper passwords at vape dens to get a taste of outlawed watermelon nicotine. If nothing else, it’ll be a booming time for black-market bubble wrap and rebellious grandmas hoarding menthols next to their cookie tins. Ah yes, nothing says freedom quite like government-regulated flavor.

-Dean

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