Bob Ferguson's Master Plan: 10 Ingenious Taxes to Fund the - Department of No Fun

State | 2025/04/03

Olympia, WA — In what can only be described as a groundbreaking leap in governance, Washington State Governor Bob Ferguson has unveiled a new suite of taxes that promises to redefine the art of revenue generation by taxing every conceivable source of enjoyment. Ferguson's "Department of No Fun" initiative is expected to rake in billions while leaving citizens scratching their heads and emptying their wallets.

The Sunshine Tax: With the recent climate changes bringing slightly more sunshine to the state, residents will now pay a fee for each sunny day. The silver lining? An increase in cloudy days could lead to a tax refund, guaranteed to cheer everyone up!
Fun Run Fee: In an effort to curb excessive happiness, all participants in fun runs will be taxed based on their level of enjoyment. Extra smiles will warrant extra charges, ensuring only the truly dedicated joggers join the race.
Barista Banter Surcharge: Ordering a coffee now comes with an added charge for any conversation longer than 30 seconds with your barista. This tax aims to promote efficiency and prevent unnecessary human connection.
Rain Enthusiast Levy: Individuals seen openly enjoying the rain will be fined for their audacity. After all, such behavior goes against the natural disposition of perpetual grumbling.
Social Media Sarcasm Tax: A novel approach to online interactions, each sarcastic comment on social media will be met with a micro-tax. This is anticipated to decimate the state's burgeoning meme economy.
Paddleboard Premium: Enthusiasts of this serene water activity will face a premium for every hour spent on the water. The goal is to ensure that tranquility is truly priceless.
Pet Naming Licensing: Naming your pet anything more creative than "Dog" or "Cat" will incur hefty fees. A "Fluffy" surcharge applies to particularly cutesy monikers.
Unicycle Usage Tariff: To combat the menace of unicycles spreading whimsy across the state, each ride will now require a special permit, priced just high enough to deter all but the most determined.
Laughter Quota Charge: Households will be monitored for excessive laughter, with fees imposed for surpassing monthly giggle limits. This groundbreaking effort is poised to restore the state's reputation for stoicism.
Selfie Stick Levy: In a move set to revolutionize digital narcissism, each selfie taken with a stick will carry a surcharge, promoting the art of asking strangers to take your picture instead.

Governor Ferguson, when asked about these innovative measures, stated, "It's about time we remind Washingtonians that fun is a privilege, not a right. Plus, these taxes will fund crucial initiatives like our 'Mandatory Meditation Mondays,' which will help citizens come to terms with their newfound, tax-induced frugality."

As Washingtonians brace for this new era of taxed merriment, it's clear that the state is poised to transform into a utopia of fiscal constraint, free from the oppressive burden of unregulated joy.

-Dean

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